Weight Gain Theater 3000 by Joe KlemmCadpig: Hey Lucky, did you see that rainbow this morning? Lucky: Yeah, it was huge. Rolly: Heh, I hate those things. Cadpig: Nobody hates rainbows. Spot: Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows? Rolly: Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there, eating a bag of Corn Fritters, and they'll come, marching in and crawl in your fur and start biting you on the back. And you'll be all like, "Hey, get off my back you stupid rainbows" Cadpig: Rolly, what in the world are you talking about?!? Rolly: I'm talking about rainbows, I hate those frigging things! Cadpig: Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm. Rolly: Ohh, rainbows, oh yeah, I like those, those are cool. Spot: What were you talking about? Rolly: Heh, oh, nothing, forget it. Lucky: No, what marches in, crawls in your fur and bites your back?!? Rolly: Nothing. Pug: Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month? Cadpig: Oh, you mean the one where we each wrote a paper about saving the Earth, and everyone who entered it didn't have to do 42 push-ups. Pug: Thanks for explaining it, Q-Tip, Well, one of our very own Bark Brigade members has won the national prize. Pvt. Bunny: Gosh Lt. Pug, this sure is exciting. Pug: That's right Pvt. Bunny, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... [Dramatic Pause] Pug: Rolly. Rolly: What? Pug: Congratulations Rolly, on writing the award winning paper. Rolly: All right! Spot: That's impossible, Rolly doesn't know a rain forest from a pop tart. Rolly: Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted and yummy. Cadpig: Poor Rolly, he always thinks about his stomach. Pug: Out of over a million papers, Rolly's was chosen as the grand prize winner. Cadpig: Wow, what did you write about Rolly? Rolly: It's a surprise. Spot: Bummer, I was hoping my paper would win. Cadpig: What was your paper about Spot? Spot: My paper was on the suffering of bottle nosed dolphins. Lucky: There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid. Cadpig: Lucky, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet, though farm animals are also smart. Take me and Spot for example. Lucky: Buh, hah, right, if they're so smart, how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time? Cadpig: Lucky, the tuna companies are trying to stop that now. Pug: Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Rolly's trophy will be presented to him by...Collie Lee Gifford. Spot: Collie Lee is coming to our farm? She's an excellent talk show host. Pug: And the presentation will be on national television. Cadpig, Rolly: Television! Pug: [Thinking to himself] Collie Lee Gifford, I don't believe it. [Pig Sty] Ed Pig: Collie Lee Gifford in our farm! Oh my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves; to show that were not just some simple farm. Yes! If I can show just how much I turned the farm around, I could become Mayor of a bigger farm. Dumpling: Daddy, we should decorate the barn. Then we should have Chefie sing a song. After all, he is a dog Ed Pig: Yes! And we can even have the Bark Brigade put on a little play. Collie Lee loves puppies. Dumpling: As long as they don't work in sweat-shops. [Lunch Silo] Rolly: You guys, guess what? After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous. Spot: Hitler was famous too, yet he bombed. [Chefie appears. He's a Dalmatian pup who wears a "Kiss the Chef" apron.] Chefie: Hello there, fellow pups and chicken. Rolly, Lucky: Hey Chefie. Chefie: How are you guys today? Spot, Lucky: Good. Chefie: Did you all hear about the news? Collie Lee Gifford is coming to the Dearly's Farm. Cadpig: Yep, and it's all because Rolly won the environmental essay contest. Chefie: Yeah, whatever. But the mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony. Spot: Wow, are you gonna do it? Chefie: Of course! Collie Lee is a beautiful hot queen of canine fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of love. Lucky: Cool. Cadpig: Her fur must be long. After all, she is gorgeous Chefie: Well, three times bigger than Sheltie Gifford's anyway. [Chefie laughs] [Pug's Hideout] Pug: Oh, I can't even concentrate on teaching Bark Brigade classes with all this excitement. [Looks at Pvt. Bunny] Why are you looking at me like that Pvt. Bunny? Pvt. Bunny: Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Collie Lee Gifford caused you? Pug: Mmm, mmm, Pvt. Bunny, that was a long time ago. And I was only a child. Pvt. Bunny: We could have won that talent show, we could have been huge. [Flashback to Talent Show] Little Pug: Knock, Knock. Pvt. Bunny: Who's there? Little Pug: Dropping. Pvt. Bunny: Dropping who? Little Pug: Dropping give me uh, 34 push ups. [One dog claps] Pvt. Bunny: Thank you. [Judges show scores of 8.9, 9, 7.8 and 9.2] Little Pug: Wow Pvt. Bunny, looks like we might win. Show Announcer: And now our last talent show finalist, Collie Lee Epstein. Little Collie Lee:[Singing]If they could see me now, that little gang of mine. I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine. I'd like the stumble bums to see for a fact The kind of chop chop, first class chums I attract All I can say is wow, we looking well ah yeah. And I ... I'm aiming for the stars But I say they'll holy cow. They never believe it. If my friends could see me now. [Collie's act consists of a big production number about her. At the end, she pulls two stuffed bunnies from the back of her and she eventually does voices for both of them.] [Crowd goes wild] [Judges show all 10's] [Back in the hideout] Pug: It, it wasn't fair. She had choreography and a big production number. How could we compete that? Pvt. Bunny: But now she's coming to our farm, and I know a way to make it all better. Pug: How? [Pvt. Bunny whispers to Pug] What, kill Collie Lee Gifford?! That's insane! [Cut to Commercial] [Bark Brigade Class] Ed Pig: Members of the Bark Brigade, as you all know, Collie Lee Gifford will be in our farm to present the award to some puppy for an essay. Rolly: That puppy is me. Ed Pig: Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you pups do a play about the history of the area where the farm is located. Pug: That'll be wonderful, won't it Pvt. Bunny. Pvt. Bunny: Kill Her. Pug: [Whispered] Pvt. Bunny! Ed Pig: Lt. Pug, I'm asking you to direct our little play. Pug: Oh, that's perfect. You see Pvt. Bunny, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her. Cadpig: Excuse, what's that I hear about killing Collie Lee? There must be something going on in your mind. Pug: I don't have anything against Collie Lee, Capod. Drop and give me uh, 35. Ed Pig: And who's our little prize winner again? Rolly: Me! Rolly! The one who likes to eat a lot. Ed Pig: How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we? Rolly: Yes sir. I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television. Cadpig: I see that all this success had finally gotten into Rolly's little mind. [Bus Stop] Rolly: I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television. Spot: You can cut it out now. Besides, my dolphin paper must have at least been one of the finalists. Lucky: That's why you lost, Spot. You wrote about some stupid fish. Cadpig: Lucky, dolphins are intelligent and friendly, and they are mammals like us dogs, not fish. Lucky: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise. Rolly: Did somebody say rye bread and mayonnaise. Cadpig: Dolphins are way smarter than you, Lucky. Lucky: If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos? Cadpig: Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's Eskimos. Lucky: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of Arctic know how. On a different subject, tell me what you wrote about, Rolly! Rolly: I can't. I have to get in shape. Lucky: Yeah, right. You'll go and sit in front of the TV and eat a bag of Corn Fritters! Rolly: No I'm not. [Barn] [Rolly is sitting in front of the TV eating a bag of Corn Fritters.] TV Announcer: We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals, after this. [Beefcake appears on screen. He resembles Tom Servo from MST3K] Beefcake: Hey! You need to get in shape fast?!? Want to look your best?!? Tired the other guys getting all the chicks?!? Are you tired of being a 90 pound weakling?!? Rolly: Well, I only weight 5 pounds. Beefcake: Then bulk up quick, with Weight Gain Theater 3000!! Rolly: Yes! Beefcake: With over 3000 grams of saturated fat per serving, it's patented formula is designed to enter the mouth, and go to directly to the stomach where it is distributed to the bloodstream. Now available in stores everywhere. Get some today, and say with me 'Beefcake!' Rolly: Beefcake! Beefcake: Beefcake! Rolly: Beefcake! Beefcake: Beefcake! Rolly: Beefcake!!! TV Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver. [Front Porch of the Dearly's House] Rolly: Dad, I am interested in getting some Weight Gain Theater 3000. Pongo: Are you sure you need it? You don't have to have it Rolly: But Dad, I need it for tomorrow. Pongo: All right then, but be careful. [Pug's Hideout] [Pug hears singing in his head] Collie Lee: If they could see me know, that little gang of mine, I'm eating fancy chow and. Pug: No, no! Pvt. Bunny: Kill her. Pug: No, Pvt. Bunny, I won't do it. Pvt. Bunny: [While it's head is spinning] Kill! Pug: That does it, you're going in the dresser drawer Pvt. Bunny. Pvt. Bunny: She'll make a fool of you again. Pug: Well, you can just stay in that drawer Negative Nancy. And while you're there, drop and give me 20. [Outside of Barn] Rolly: Hey guys. Cadpig: What's wrong with you Rolly, haven't you noticed the three inches of fat that's on you? Rolly: Listen, I have a nice body and I want to show it off, you got that? Spot: What? You've got to weight 5 1/2 pounds by now. Rolly: I'm up to 10 now, thank you very much. Spot: Well he does have a bigger stomach surface now. Cadpig: Yeah, it's almost as big as a walrus's. [Laughter] Rolly: Laugh all you want, I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, looking all buff. [Rolly Drinks Can of Weight Gain] Cadpig: What's that stuff? Rolly: Weight Gain Theater 3000, it's helping me bulk up. Cadpig: But Rolly, that thing is causing you to get more fatter than stronger.. Lucky: Cadpig's right. Rolly: Hey, the buff look needs to take some time. Cadpig: Well, it's almost time to practice our play, we better get moving. [The pups enter the barn via the tree where they sometimes get in through. Rolly gets stuck in it.] [Barn] Rolly: Sweet. Check me out, I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door. Cadpig: Houston, we have a very big problem Ed Pig: Come on citizens. We've got to turn this place around. Hang up the lights, string up the banners, put the cows in their area of the barn! [Scene of Princess and Duchess] Duchess: We're already at our area. [Ed Pig walks to the stage made for the ceremony] Ed Pig: Well Lt. Pug, how is the little play going? Pug: Huh? Oh, fine. We were just about to run it from the top. Ed Pig: Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it. Pug: Okay, everyone playing pioneers on this side of the stage. Good. And everyone playing Indians go to the center of the stage. Dipstick: Am I an Indian, or a pioneer? Pug: Do you have a feather on your head? Dipstick: Yeah. Pug: Then you're an Indian. Dipstick: Oh. Pug: Okay Carpool, this is your line. Cadpig: This is the story of Grutley. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hearty Indians lived on the land. Ed Pig: Oh, don't they look adorable? Cadpig: Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers. [Pioneers come on stage and start beating the Indians] [Screams] Spot: Oh no, I knew this would happen. [Teepee falls on Spot] Spot: Someone get this thing off of me. Ed Pig: Oh my God! Pug: They did it a lot better this morning, they had more energy. Cadpig: The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands. [Pioneer punches Indian repeatedly.] Cadpig: Pug, are you sure you want this in our play? I think it's a little it out of taste. Pug: Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days. Lucky: Take that you stupid Indian! [Lucky beats Indian with butt of gun] Cadpig: But Pug, this is supposed to be a big moment for the farm. Besides what would Collie Lee Gifford think about this violence? Pug: I don't care about Collie Lee Gifford! [Audible disbelief] Oh my God, what have I said. Cornilia: He said, "I don't care about Collie Lee Gifford!" [Booo] Ed Pig: Lt. Pug, I am dismissing you from directing our play. Pug: You can't do this to me! I'm a member of the military! Without me, you guys will be buried in a pile full of cats! There's no way you can treat me like this! I'll… [Pug falls asleep] Cadpig: Yep, there must be something wrong with him. [Pug's Hideout] Pvt. Bunny: It happened again didn't it. Now we do things my way. Pug: I can't kill her Pvt. Bunny, you're gonna have to do it even though she did harm to me. [Pvt. Bunny Laughs] [Barn] Cadpig: Whoa, Rolly. Talk about wide load. Rolly: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely. Cadpig: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever! Rolly: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape. Cadpig: Rolly, the only thing that the thing you're drinking is doing is making you even fatter, and that is very unhealthy. [Dumpling enters] Dumpling: Hi guys. Rolly: Hi Dumpling, want to read my paper? I made a copy of it for you. Dumpling: Thanks, Rolly. [Rolly gives Dumpling a copy of his paper.] Cadpig: How come she gets a copy of your paper and we have to wait until tomorrow to hear it? Rolly: That's because it involves something that I and Dumpling share. [Colonel's Railway Car] Colonel: Can I help you? Pug: Yes, I need a gun. Colonel: This better not be for defense on your so called Cat Invasion, is it? Pug: No sir. Colonel: Alrighty then! Try this gun out. [Colonel hands Pug a gun] Pug: [To Mirror]You talking' to me? [To Colonel]You talking' to me? I don't know, it's a little small. Colonel: Okay, how about this? Pug: [To Mirror]You talking' to me? [To Colonel] Hmm, no, I don't like this one either. Colonel: Here's the same gun, with a wood finish. Pug: [To Mirror]You talking' to me? I don't see anybody else around here, so you must be talking' to me. [To Colonel] I'll take it. Colonel: Okay then, but remember to return it when your done with it, and please make sure you're not using this on cats. [Pig Sty] Dumpling: [Reading Rolly's paper] My essay by Rolly: My idea of saving our fragile planet is to make food containers reusable or edible. That way, I can have more food to eat... [Pug enters] Pug: Well Pvt. Bunny, I guess ole Collie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow. She beat us in the talent show all those years ago. And I think we owe her for that. Babang! Dumpling: Oh no. This is serious! [Go to commercial] [Barn] [Enter Pug with gun] Chicken 1: Howdy Lt. Pug, nice gun. Pug: Thank you. Chicken 2: Nice gun Lt. Pug. Pug: Thanks. [Approaches Officer Bradberry, a rooster that serves as the officer of the farm] Hello Officer Bradberry. Officer Bradberry: Nice Gun. Pug: Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - uh, view - of Collie Lee. Officer Bradberry: Hmm, you know, I think the top of the barn would be a good bet. [Shot of Top of Barn, with vultures circling] Pug: Yes, that might do quite nicely. Thank you Officer Bradberry. Officer Bradberry: No problem. (sees a chicken with a camera) Hah! Caught you red handed. No Pictures of Collie Lee. Ed Pig: Where is she? Rolly: Oh baby. Camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcake! Cadpig: I don't think they're going to be able to get all of you in the frame Rolly. I told you to stop drinking that stuff, but you kept doing it. Dumpling: You guys, we have to stop him! Spot: Stop who? Dumpling: Lt. Pug, he's going to try to kill Collie Lee Gifford. He's got a gun! Cadpig: I knew something was wrong with Pug. I heard him saying he wanted to kill Collie Lee through his stuffed rabbit of his. I'd better talk him out of this. Lucky: While that's a good idea, Cadpig, I'd better talk to him, since I'm one of the big students of the Bark Brigade. Cadpig: Okay, Lucky, but if he fires a shot. Don't blame me, after all, it was you who tried to talk him out of it and not me, the one who did almost the same thing you're going to do to save you from that rebel lamb. Ed Pig: Here she comes. [Band starts playing] [Collie Lee comes in riding in bullet proof 'bubble' on back of car] [Shot of Pug on top of the barn] Pug: Darn, I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Collie Lee Gifford. [On Barn Floor] Cornilia: We love you Collie Lee, heh heh. Collie Lee: I love you too. [Shot of Pug at the Top of the Barn] Pug: Come on you excuse for a Lassie. [Pug takes aim] You got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later missy. [Stage] Ed Pig: It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Collie Lee Gifford to Dearly Farm. [Crowd cheers] And now, our very own Chefie will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford Chefie: Thank you Mr. Mayor. You know Collie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Lassie way. Or, or special in an extra value meal at McDonald's way. No, no, no, no. I mean special. Like the song of a, a humming bird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and mate to it all night long. Just two humming birds moaning and, and groaning and, and their wing holding each other [Singing]Oh, Collie Lee, how I love to hold your paw. And lick every inch of your sweet face with my tongue. Ed Pig: What? Cadpig: I knew this was coming. Go on, show your affection to Collie Lee, Chefie! Chef: Collie Lee, you're my love fantasy. Cadpig: You're doing it! Keep it up! Spot: Cadpig, why are you doing this? Cadpig: What can I say? I love romance. Chefie: How 'bout you and me Ed Pig: Uh, Thank you Chefie for that heartwarming song. Chefie: get together and make love? Spot: Oh great, the mayor wants him off stage and he is still singing. Ed Pig: Thank you Chef! Chefie: Oh, oh. God bless you Collie Lee! [Cadpig applauds. Almost everyone, except for Chefie and Collie Lee, looks at her] Cadpig: Fine then, don't like that song! Dumpling: Officer Bradberry, Lt. Pug is about to kill Collie Lee! We have to find him! Officer Bradberry: What? You mean the small dog that usually falls asleep? Wait a minute. [Officer Bradberry flashes back] Pug: Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - uh, view - of Collie Lee. Officer Bradberry: Hmm, you know, I think the top of the barn would be a good bet. Top of the barn, top of the barn, top of the barn. [Officer Bradberry is back] Officer Bradberry: Doggone it, he could be anywhere. I'll send out an APB. Lucky: Dumpling, look! [Points to top of the barn] [Stage] Ed Pig: And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own Rolly is your favorite celebrity, and mine... [Crowd Cheers] Collie Lee Gifford! [Secret Service looking Dobermans throw Collie Lee, still in her bubble, on stage.] Collie Lee: Thank you. How I love you all. [Top of Barn] Lucky: Lt. Pug, stop! Pug: Leave us, we must finish what we have begun. Dumpling: I know that she's hurt you. She's hurt a lot of people. Pug: You can't know. Dumpling: You should have won that talent show. [Stage] Collie: It is with a great honor and pride that I present the winner his trophy. Rolly, would you please come up here? Rolly: Here it is, my big moment of fame. [Top of Barn] Pug: And then she finished it all by throwing her voice with two stuffed bunnies at once. Dumpling: I know that Lt. Pug, but this isn't the answer, though jumping her can be an alternative Pug: It is, too late for me, Dumpling. [Rolly gets on stage, with help from Cadpig and Spot. Pug takes aim.] Pug: No, I can't do it! Lucky: Man, did she really throw her voice with two stuffed bunnies at once. Pvt. Bunny: The collie must die! Dumpling: I knew I should have had Cadpig talk him out of this, but you had to help me because you're one of his top students. [Slow Motion begins. Pug chambers a round, Rolly's weight breaks stage] Collie Lee: Ooohhhh! [Collie Lee's bubble flies off stage, Pug shoots Spot. Slow motion ends.] Spot: Bawk. [Spot flies through air, leaves the barn, grabs on to the contraption used to bring dog food down, and slides down it, leaving a bloody trail] Cadpig: Huh, Oh my God, they killed Spot! You bum! [Collie Lee's bubble lands on car] Agent 1: Gun! Agent 2: Gun! Cadpig: Hey, come back! What about Spot? [Car drives off, Crowd aahhhs] TV Crew Director: I guess that's it guys. Wrap it up. Rolly: Hey! Wait a minute! When do I get to be on television? TV Crew Director: Forget it kid. No Collie Lee, no public interest. Rolly: But I won the environmental essay contest. Dumpling: I know you did deserve it [Into Mic]I'm holding Rolly's award winning paper. It's all about the way we can reduce pollution through making containers reusable or edible. Chicken 1: Who Cares? Chicken 2: Yeah, Collie Lee Gifford's gone. Cadpig: Come on Dumpling, you can tell us the paper when we get to your sty. Dumpling: Okay. [In front of Lunch Silo] [Officer Bradberry is arresting Pvt. Bunny] Officer Bradberry: Thought you could get away with it, eh Pvt. Bunny? Pvt. Bunny: Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling pups and the mayor's daughter. Officer Bradberry: You're lucky that you missed Collie Lee and nobody got hurt. [Spot's corpse slides down to base of flag pole. Cadpig enters] Cadpig: Uh guys, what about Spot? [Pug's Kennel] Lucky: We hope you can come back to the farm real soon Lt. Pug. Pug: Well Lacky and Cupid, I'd love to, but the kennel runners say that Pvt. Bunny needs more therapy. [Pvt. Bunny's in a straight jacket.] Pvt. Bunny: We can still get her. Let mmm. Pug: I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV. Cadpig: Not Rolly, he gets to be on TV anyway. After all, he ignored my advice. Pug: Really, on what? [Howlraldo] Howlraldo: Obesity, Adiposity, Corpulence... What ever word you use, it represents one thing. Being a big fat animal. We have with us today, live via satellite, Rolly from the Dearly's farm, who is now so obese he can't even get out of the barn he sleeps in. Rolly: When is this going to be on the air? Howlraldo: Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there? Rolly: Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake! [Barn] Chefie: He needs to run around the farm a few times. Collie Lee: Hmmm, how about a little more of some loving, Chefie. Chefie: Whoa, I just held your paw five minutes ago. You really want me to lick your face a few times? 101 Dalmatians ©1961, 1996, 1997, 1998 Walt Disney Productions South Park © 1997, 1998 Trey Parker and Matt Stone Characters that are not from 101 Dalmatians: The Series and is a South Park spoof character © 1998 Joe Klemm The following is an unauthorized fanfic, and is not approved by the Disney company or Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Freedom of circulating this is legal as long as you don't charge money for this or proclaim that you wrote this. MiSTings of this is allowed as long the MiSTer gets permission from me Apologies to Dodie Smith, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and the Disney Company Joe Klemm |
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