Mister Cynister's mean statistics
Well, it's about time for some statistical data about the site...
1. casualties:
- suicidal: 17 people decided to make an end after reading my awful poetry or viewing my unbearable images. (*)
- medical: at least 43 people went temporarily or permanently ape. some (number unknown) started to sing out loud in the streets, 9 have been reported to commit spontaneous acts of violent kindness - 1 even abused a pen to attack a helpless cactus on his desk, which deceised through the assault (not the desk, you idiot!).
- dangerous: in at least 1 case someone tried to smoke a rolled-up printout of one of my works in order to catch the spirit. this spirit turned out to be a rather moderate form of toxic shock syndrome! (don't do this at home!) (*)
(*) admittedly there are rumours that these are rumours...
on the other hand - can't all this as well be considered a valuable contribution against planetary over-population?2. bad influence:
- harassment: at least 83 cases of unexpected and sudden harassment are believed to have been caused by my material (c.f. section 'individual reports' for a disgusting though hopefully single case).
among these where incidents as bad as publicly wearing tastefully coloured patterns (partly even on bare skin), which hurts the eyes of the righteous grey caste of decent taxpayers, and even irritating people by whistling weird tunes of fantasy, instead of looking bored.- daydreaming: among the most common dreadful results of opening my site and browsing through it, surely is an unexpectedly upcoming inclination to daydream shamelessly. instead of working harder to pay more taxes in order to support the police, the forces, the industry of chemical, biological and nuclear warfare, politicians, judges, and other benefactors of mankind, these people tend to waste their (and our!) time on 'creative acts' and such.
- lust: none of the cases reported is suitable for public discussion. you may ask for details, though...
3. individual reports as examples of:
- misconduct / sexual harassment:
Nelly P. from Michigan, Ohio, reported to spontaneously have kissed her goldfish Otto hello, for undisclosed reasons, who in turn lost all colour, after viewing my image 'Beyond The Realms Of Grief And Fear' (© 1999 by P.i.x.l.F.u.x.a )
She even sent her photograph, and my secretary is called 'Whitie' ever since.
Nelly failed, however, to send a proof picture of Otto...
- bribe:
Joel K. from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, offered his collection of dried worms (including a rat's tail as some little extra) in case I'd care to close down my site immediately. Unfortunately I had to reject the offer due to formal faults of the request.
Anna Q., homemaker from Perth, Australia, tried to talk me into marrying her under the condition I give up creating poems and images and take over her late husband Carl's plumbing workshop 'Ye Olde Lead, Copper & Iron Lad' (completely equipped).
I'd love to, Anna, but my doctor instructed me not to hang out downunder for extended periods of time.
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-e-mail--
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Contact me if you like to comment on my work.
desperately seeking a patron!
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