Searching for WMD

Of course no one will admit to it. It¹s all part of the massive government conspiracy and coverup.

The aliens escorted me into an underground bunker. I was propped up and a very bright light shined into my face The alien ray released me enough so could talk, but before I could even think about speaking, screaming, yelling, demanding to be released or at least have the whole thing recorded on video so I could prove my experience later on the internet, a voice cut through the darkness in front of me.

³Mr. Baker,² the voice said.

I realized I was now in the presence of one of the most feared men in the world - Donald Rumsfeld, US Secretary of Defense.

³Don? How are ya? How¹s the missus. You know I ain¹t heard from you since Dad died. Been waiting for you to call so we could go fishing,² I said. Donald Rumsfeld and Dad used to fish together.

The voice resumed, ³Mr. Baker, we will² the voice was interrupted by an electronic ³eerrrrkkkkk.² Another voice, this one sounding like the person was speaking through an electric cheese grater. ³Were wirr arks thrrr qurrrstrrrns.² The voice stopped.

I could barely hear the muttering.

³I told you this damn electric cheese grater was a bad idea,² Rumsfeld said.

³Well, you¹re the moron who cut the voice distorter out of the budget,² said a second voice which I thought was Ari Fleischer, former White House spokesman, but I could not be sure.

³Ari? Ari? You out there man? How about letting a brother wordsmith go?² I said into the darkness.

³We will ask the questions here,² Rumsfeld said, pitching his voice about an octave deeper. I guess he thought that would disguise his voice so I wouldn¹t recognize him. I¹m not sure if it worked or not.

³So ask already. I¹m on a deadline here. The Wiregrass Farmer deadline is noon Monday you know,² I said. ³Gotta get this story written in time for the deadline.²

³You will not publicize this matter. We will, in fact, erase your brain so you have no memory at all of this incident,² the voice rumbled.

³While you¹re in there could you erase that weekend when I was a senior in high school and Larry ³Hawgin¹² Fishbreath and I accidentally pushed the Caboose into the pond? I¹d really like to forget that whole weekend,² I said.

³WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!² the voice bellowed.

³Hey, hey, hey. Don¹t get testy with me Bubba. Dad done told me about that week at Georgia Tech,² I said.

There was more muttering. I understood a few words like ³credible² and ³destroyed.²

³Mr. Baker,² the voice resumed in a more polite, however baritone, tone. ³We have brought you here for questioning because we believe you are in possession of weapons of mass destruction. WMD if you will.²

³I won¹t,² I replied.

³Do you deny possessing a gallon of habanero peppers?² the voice said.

³Yeah. Peppers. It¹s for my special Broke The Alarm Off, Threw It In The Trash And Set The Can On Fire chili,² I said.

³Do you admit to possessing several bags of dried kidney beans?² the voice said.

³Sure. What¹s chili without beans?² I replied.

³WE WILL ASK - err, and you possess several pounds of ground venison, several cans of tomatoes and numerous spices, including Mexican parsley? the voice said.

³Look guys, if you want my recipe for chili, just ask. I¹m always glad to share, I said.

³ANSWER THE QUESTION!² the voice roared.

³Yes. Sheesh,² I said.

³And, do you admit to combining all these items in a large cast iron pot, cooking it for two days and then serving the resulting mixture to unsuspecting individuals?² the voice asked.

³It ain¹t a big iron pot. It¹s a dutch oven. And yeah, I cook chili in it. Folks wanna eat it, that¹s OK with me,² I said.

³Mr. Baker, if we choose to refer to a big cast iron pot as a big cast iron pot, then we will refer to the big cast iron pot as a big cast iron pot because we have decided the big cast iron pot IS a big cast iron pot,² the voice said.

More muttering in the darkness.

³Mr. Baker, is it true that you actually eat this so-called chili,
disregarding the effects it has on your gastrointestinal system and the effects it later has on those around you?² the voice said.

³My chili. I cook what I like to eat. Look, if you guys want some chili,come by the house next Wednesday and I¹ll hook you up,² I said.

³Is that a threat?² the voice said.

³Threat? I make excellent chili. And just for that uncalled for crack, forget about it. I ain¹t making you no chili. Furthermore, you can forget about fishing the Week¹s Place pond from now on, Don. I¹m insulted,² I said.

There was more muttering in the darkness. I heard the words ³UN conference² and ³vote² and ³Security Council² and ³pansies.²

That¹s the last thing I remember because the next thing I knew, someone was shaking me.

³Huhn. Wazzat? Who?² I said as I startled awake in my recliner. ³What?²

³Daddy, wake up,² Susan said.

Wake Daddy, wake,² Jesse said.

³Wait a minute,² I said. I looked at the clock. It was mysteriously several hours later than when I last looked at the clock. Slowly, the horrific details of my experience came back to me. I tried to explain this to my family, but they must have all fallen prey to same alien device as me.

³We all took a nap, Daddy,² Susan said.

³Sleep Daddy,² Jesse said, emphasizing his remark by tilting his head, closing his eyes and snoring.

This column is copyrighted to rednecks under government surveillance and accountants who deftly avoid such surveillance and the accounting scandals. Unauthorized forwarding, duplication or use of questionable ingredients, like carrots, in chili, will result in your being abducted, force-fed Baker's chili and then used as an example in Bruce Cameron's second column on chili judging.