Apparently, if you sign up for this list, the phone calls which come as you eat supper, take a bath, read a book, ink designs on hamsters with a tattoo gun, read to your children, remove your own appendix with hypnotic suggestion pain relief, sleep and so forth will stop. Except.
Of course there's an except, this is the government - Government by the Lawyers, for the money from settling out of court and of the refusal to create and pass intelligent tort reform laws.
Except, you can still get calls from some nonprofit groups, businesses with which you've done business in the last 18 months, politicians, surveys by phone and calls from inmates in jail in LA requesting you accept a collect call. Surely you did not believe the politicians would block their attempts to harangue you into voting for them or posting their bail when they get caught?
It also does not start until Oct. 1. In the meantime telemarketers (a word which will be a synonym for demon in the year 3003) will redouble their calls, so you should expect more and more calls the closer we get to Oct. 1. I also expect if you do not sign up for this program, the number of calls you get reach the point where your phone's electronic bell will melt and run out the handset speaker holes because your phone will be one of 10 in the nation which is not on the do not call list.
A coalition of telemarketers has filed suit in federal court to stop this law. The suit claims the law infringes on the First Amendment rights of the people who call you at inconvenient times.
I don't remember anything in the Constitution giving a credit card company the right to interrupt my carefully organized evening not not doing anything except laying on the floor and breathing just enough to maintain vital organ functions. Just to be sure I checked. In case I'm missing something, here's the First Amendment: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
I listened Monday morning to a report from a telemarketer on NPR's morning news. The lady said she got irked with people who:
1) Asked for her phone number
2) Made sarcastic remarks
3) Punched the phone buttons in answer to a question
4) Cussed
5) Otherwise were very difficult.
Miss Manners said you should wait for a gap in the conversation and say "Thank you. I'm not interested" and hang up.
Miss Manners ain't a redneck from South Georgia, nor has Miss Manners ever worked as a telemarketer.
When Jesse was smaller and less coherent than he is now, I'd hand the phone to him when telemarketers called. He was glad to talk, at length, to these folks. For all I know, he was ordering a year's supply of Ronco Turnip Twaddlers, but since he didn't have a valid credit card, the order was not processed.
Since moving to town I have completely foiled the telemarketers. For the past 9 months, using a secret strategy that I am not going to share here, I have not received a single phone call from any telemarketer for any reason.
This secret strategy does not work at the office, where I still get calls from Nigerian conference planners wanting access to my bank account, long distance companies offering me incredibly low rates for calls to Siberia and Ronco salesmen. When they call the office, I just lay the phone next to the computer speaker and play "Puff the Magic Dragon" by Peter, Paul & Mary just loudly enough for the person to hear it parts of the song, but not all of it.
Having now stuck this song in your head the rest of the day, I'm going to end this column.
This column is copyrighted to Rednecks With Manners and Accountants pondering a career in highly specialized phone solicitng (ahem). Unauthorized forwarding, duplication or passing this column along without this copyright will result in all your phone numbers being added to the Unibomber Ok To Call This Number Any Time list which then means you'll get telemarketers calling you at 2 a.m. requesting donations for the funeral expenses of Strom Thurmond.
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