Contrary to what Shelia Moss thinks, the beach ball was not invented by the
Beach Boys so people attending their concerts would have something enjoyable
to do.
Larry "Hawgin'" Fishbreath invented the beach ball.
I was almost there when it was invented. I am responsible for making it
spread across the world.
I was reminded of this a few weekends ago when Hawgin' and I were sitting on
the beach fishing for sharks. We caught one good 6-footer, which we let go
after making sure all the swimmers on the beach saw it. (Believe it or not,
I've seen bigger sharks come from public swimming beaches.)
We were sitting in our chairs when a beach ball came bounding past. Hawgin'
grabbed it and held it for a fast-approaching sand flea.
As Hawgin' handed it back to the beach urchin, he said, "I invented these
things, you know."
This prime example of shark bait, obviously far smarter than the two of us,
said, "Nuh-uh."
"Did too," Hawgin' replied.
"Nuh-uh," said the midget shell grubber. "See? Says right here - Made in
China."
"Yeah well, I did invent it too. Them Chinese just took the idea from me,"
he said.
"Nuh-uh," the crab poker said. "You're weird. I'm not supposed to talk to
weird people."
"Go hug a stingray kid," Hawgin' said. He walked down to the water and waded
in where he was attacked by a swarm of rabid jellyfish which mistook him for
an unusually dense cluster of plankton.
"Yeah. Them Chinese, they take all our good ideas and mass produce 'em in
sweat shops over there. Personally I don't mind 'em producing all the sweat,
I just wish they'd keep that in China," I told the moppet de mer. "They even
made you I'll bet."
"Nuh-uh," said the lifeguard's nightmare.
"Sure they did," I said. I grabbed the dog paddler wannabe and turned him
around. I traced my finger across his neck, slowly saying "Made. In. China."
"NUH-UH! You're making it up!" shouted the walking sand trap.
"No I'm not. Look," I said. I started tracing letters on the back of his
neck. "M - A - D - E -"
The barracuda chum broke my grip faster than a bonefish snaps a 2-pound test
line and made a beeline for a pod of beached albino whales which had become
horribly tangled in a shipment of Victoria's Secret swimwear. "MAAAAAA
MAAAAAAA," he yelled all the way.
Anyway, it was back when we were teenagers that Hawgin' invented the beach
ball. I was sitting at the reloading press generating what is now known as
Adventure Ammunition, when he pulled up on the spare tractor.
"Baker! Done got it figgered! Look," he said, proudly holding up a mass of
colored plastic.
"Wonderful. Now throw it away," I said.
"No you xiphoid process. Look," he said.
"I did. You cleaned up the road on the way over here. Thank you very much.
Now put it in the trash can," I said.
"Baker. I swear. Look. I have invented an inflatable dart board," he said.
So saying, he inflated the dart board and it really looked like an inflated
dart board.
"Done heat-welded the plastic together with a woodburning kit. Should last
almost forever," he said proudly.
"Hawgin'," I started.
"Waitaminnet now. Lemme explain. See, you can let the air out and it
collapses small enough to put in your back pocket," he said.
"HAWGIN'!" I said.
"Yeah yeah yeah. In a minnet. We can take this anywhere it's so small. That
way, we can play darts anywhere and any time. I've just got to figure a way
to make the darts collapsible. Dang points keep sticking me in the butt when
I put 'em in my back pocket," he said.
"Hawgin'. An inflatable dart board?" I said.
"Yeah. Coolio Daddio!"
"Hawgin'. We don't play darts," I said.
"Well, we might," he said.
"Nooooo, you might. I don't, won't, can't, ain't interested and won't be
interested. I do not want to play darts. I have enough to do," I said. (Note
- this was before I moved to Nevada and played the world's No. 1 darts
champion and got beaten so badly I resumed my personal ban on darts).
Dejected, Hawgin' looked at me. "So. Now what?"
"We could use it as an archery target," I suggested.
"You're a genius," he said.
"Let's just fill it with something that will make it float. Then, we can run
it on a wire and shoot at the target in the air," I said.
"You're even more of a genius!" he said.
We filled the inflatable target with acetlyne from the shop's torch. The
target strained to fly free.
"And Don't Get Any Ideas, Baker," Hawgin' said, emphasizing the capital
letter of each word. "I don't want to ruin this thing. You blow up my target
and I'm going to drill holes in your boat."
"Why I have no idea what you are talking about," I said as I tried to hide
the dynamite-attached arrows behind my back.
A few minutes later we were in the field, the target soaring overhead about
100 yards high. I loosed an arrow.
The target rocketed into the sky.
"Good shot Baker," Hawgin's said as he squinted to watch the target vanish
into the stratosphere.
"I told you we should have used wire instead of fishing line to hold the
target. I can't help it if my first shot cut the line," I said.
I guess that target must have reached Mach Max and was in China a few
minutes later. I know that because the next time I was in the store, the
place was full of Hawgin's inflatable dart boards, which the store was
calling "beach balls."
