LIVE! From a secret location hidden in the South Georgia desert, comes the
first annual extragonzerpalooza international AWARD SHOW AWARD SHOW!
Yes, this first ever event combines the best of the best of the best until
we reach the point that armed guards have to hide in the bushes to prevent
hordes of deranged mutant celebrities from storming our secret location,
confiscating our prestigious Black Gold Award, raiding the behind-the-stage
buffet and shooting the producers.
Members of the International Award Show Award Show board carefully consider
all entries, assorted bribes, what will garner the most media attention and
which award show is most likely to be offended by receiving an award.
Nominees for the Most Annoying Music Award Show are: MTV Awards, Country
Music Awards, Radio Music Awards and the Canadian Country Music Awards. The
winner, edging out the County Music Awards by 1 vote is: the Canadian
Country Music Awards. Judges' comment: Once you get past Shania Twain,
what's the point? Eh.
Nominees for the Most Mindless Tedium Award show are: The Grammys, The
Emmys, The Tonys and the MTV Music Awards. The winner is: MTV Music Awards.
Judges' comment: When you think of mindless tedium, MTV immediately springs
to mind. It's long been said, "there is nothing new under the sun" and MTV
proves this 24-7.
Nominees for the Most Hyped Award Show are: The Grammys, The Emmys, The
Oscars and the MTV Music Awards. The winner is: The Oscars. Judges' comment:
It's old, it's gold, it's bold and if it's stole (give us some poetic
license here, we ain't Dr. Suess), we'll throw a party.
Nominess for the Most Gratuitous Product Placement Show are: The Source
Awards, The Billboard Awards, The Essence Awards and the BlockBuster Awards.
The winner is: We have a tie! The Essence Awards and the BlockBuster Awards.
Judges' comments: One is a gratuitous promotion scheme by a giant video
rental company and the other appears to be a gratuitous promotion scheme by
a perfume company.
Nominees for the Most Overblown Awards Show are: American Music Awards, The
Grammys, the Canadian Grammys, and the Nick Kid's Choice Awards. The winner
is: Nick Kids Choice Awards. Judges' comments: Rosie O'Donnell and Linda
Ellerbee.
Nominees for the Most Ignorant Name For An Awards Show are: The VH1 Fashion
Awards, The Gemini Awards, SAG, BET Tribute to Whitney Houston and The
Moxies. The winner is: The Dixie Chicks. Judges' comment: Can we deport
them?
Nominees for the Most Likely To Be Chalked Up As A Terminally Bad Idea Even
By Cockroaches are: Much Music Video Awards, E Pluribus Unum Awards, ESPY
Awards, Genie Awards and the Gemini Awards. The winner is: twice-nominated
The Gemini Awards. Judges' comment: How many Canadian awards shows do we
need? Well, if there are 4 Canadian award shows, then that's 5 too many. If
you count the Gemini Awards, that's 6 awards shows too many.
Nominees for the Really Ridiculous Awards are: Every awards show out there,
except this one. The winner is: every nominee in on the list. Judges'
comment: Except this one.
This column is copyrighted sarcastic rednecks in camo
tuxedos and accountants busy tabulating the bribe money. Unauthorized
forwarding, duplication or watching any of the aforementioned award shows
will result in your brain being filled with mindless nonsense whereupon we
shall then use words like immolate in very complex sentences to make you
scratch your cranium and ponder the perplexities of precise diction.
