You
would think a doctor who books his vacation in South America to
shoot birds would be more understanding about special
requests.
All I asked for was a full-auto, belt-fed .45 to be
installed in my right arm, of course leaving enough room for me to
type, write, hold other guns and a fishing rod. I figure with a
permanent firearm mount in my arm I may not get any more respect
than I do now, but I guarantee people wonıt be as rude to me
as they used to be.
I got the idea from Wolverine of the
X-men. Heıs got these neat-o knives that shoot out of the
back of his hand. I briefly considered the other X-men before
deciding on a modified Wolverine attachment.
Cyclops has that
very cool blaster vision. No thanks. My eyesight is bad enough and
the older I get, the more light sensitive I get.
Phoenix has
telekenisis (mind over matter). The Peanut Gallery now comments I
need a brain before I could even consider this kind of
superpower. Ba-da-bing.
I always thought Colossus was cool.
He turned into a column of living steel with incredible strength.
No word on how this handles salt water and since I do enjoy shark
fishing, I decided this would not be a good choice. Steel also
sinks. So, unless Iım willing to get the AquaMan gill attachment
too, Iıd best stay away from a steel body.
Nightcrawler,
well, heıs German (Iım 1/2 there already), blue, has
a prehensile tail, odd fingers and toes, and teleports. The
teleporting ability is what Iım after. It would make deer
hunting so much easier. When I shot a deer and missed, I could
teleport in front of the fleeing deer to shoot again. Except Iıd
probably teleport into a tree. By the time I got me and the tree
sorted out, the deer would be dead from laughing so hard. And the
tail thing bothers me. Iıve finally convinced Susan that monkeys
have tails and apes do not. Seeing her Dad with a barbed blue tail
would throw her taxonomy lessons right out the window. I donıt
even want to talk about what the Morningside Baptist Church youth
group would think of me.
A pantheon of other superheroes
rolled through my mind. One by one I considered and discarded
their powers as an addition to my existing super power. Yes, I
already have a super power. And a secret identity.
My super
power is - I can write and make people mad at the same time.
My secret identify must remain a secret.
Sitting in the
exam room, I brought up the idea with Dr. Jim Scott. Dr. Scott
will be performing a fillet-0-wrist on my right wrist this
Thursday, provided I can find a ride to and from Tift General. At
least heıs planning on doing that. He had not read this
column before having the surgery scheduled.
I carefully
explained my reasoning.
"No," said Dr. Jim
Scott.
"But," I said.
"No," he
said.
"Dang," I said.
Thereıs little
point in arguing with a doctor like Jim Scott. Unlike some physicians
of my experience, Jim knows which end of the gun to hold to shoot it,
he knows how to hold a catfish to skin it and heıs from Turner
County. I also asked if heıd video the surgery. He
tentatively agreed.
I figure if I watch the video closely
enough, I should be able to do the same surgery on my left wrist.
Iım right-handed you see.
I got this idea from Randy
Barfoot. He used to have a veterinarian practice here. Iım
not going to get into specifics here, but he convinced me it
is possible to do minor surgery on yourself. But, he warned me,
you do need someone standing by to help sew up the cut.
We'll
see.
This column is copyrighted to Super-Powered rednecks and
accountants who know the secret identity but refuse to tell anyone
what it is. Unauthorized forwarding, duplication or use of X-ray
vision to determine the secret identity will result in your secret
identity, and we know you have one, being turned over to the
secret government agency in charge of keeping tabs on people like
you.
